恩典国际圣经学院

第七课 悲痛和损失
lesson 7 Grief and Loss

Grief and Loss 悲痛和损失
Case Study … 1 实例研究… 1

David was so angry at his parents. His father, who is stationed in a branch of the military, was asked to move and relocated to another part of the country. David had just made new friends and was familiar with his new school. After one year, he and his family were moving again. David didn’t want to leave. He didn’t want to have to start over with new friends in a new town. He blamed his father for his ruining his life again.

大卫对他的父母很生气。他的父亲在军队的分队驻军,被要求迁移到他们国家的另一个地方生活。大卫刚刚交了新朋友并熟悉新的学校。一年后,他和家人又要搬家。大卫不想离开。他不想在新镇子重新认识新朋友。他责怪爸爸又破坏他的生活。

Ann can seem to visit the cemetery. Her husband had recently passed away and his death as left Ann feeling empty and alone. As much as she misses her husband she can’t bear to go back to visit his graveside. She has even changed her driving route so that she avoids going near that part of town. This makes Ann feel extremely guilty and ashamed of herself.

安似乎无法去墓地。她的丈夫最近去世,他的离去使安感到空虚和孤独。她思念丈夫之深以致她无法回到丈夫的坟墓旁。她甚至改变她的行驶路线,为了避免接近那个区域。这使安感到极其内疚和羞愧。

Terms/Definitions … 2 术语/定义… 2

Grief is a profound emotional pain caused by a deep loss in life.

悲痛是一种因生命中严重的损失而导致的强烈的情感痛苦。

Grief involves a process of orientation, disorientation, and reorientation.

悲痛包含定位,迷失方向和再定位的过程。

Grief is most commonly associated with death. The death of a loved one can be quite traumatic, especially if it was unexpected or sudden.

悲痛最常和死亡相关联。所爱的人的死亡会产生很大的心灵创伤,尤其是在意想不到或突如其来的情况下。

Grief can also be experienced in a broken friendship, a divorce, loss of a job, natural disaster, national tragedy, or other crisis.

人在友谊破裂,离婚,失去工作,自然灾害,国家灾难,或其他危机中也会经历悲痛。

A grieving person may also experience guilt or shame. Anger and rejection are also common in the grieving process.

一个悲痛的人也可能经历愧疚或羞耻。在悲痛的过程中,生气和拒绝的反应也很普遍。
(Broderick & Blewitt, 2006)

Causes/Character … 3 原因/特征… 3

There are many ways that grief is expressed. Grief also has stages or steps that have been identified and studied over the years. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross was a pioneer in the study of the nature and characteristics of grief. She identified the following stages:

悲痛有许多表达方式。通过多年的鉴定和研究,悲痛也分阶段和过程。伊丽莎白 · 库布勒罗斯在研究悲痛的性质和特征方面是位先驱。她确定了以下阶段:

1)Denial – A grieving person may know that a loss has occurred, but they just haven’t been able to feel the suffering at the moment. This is the beginning of the disorientation phase.

否认—— 一个悲痛的人可能知道损失已经发生了,但他们只是在那一刻还没有能感觉到痛苦。这是失去定位的开始。

2)Anger – Once emotions begin to comprehend the nature of the loss, then memories and past feelings emerge. This causes a grieving person to feel vulnerable or betrayed. Often, anger becomes the emotion through which this is expressed. People become angry at God, their loved ones, or even the deceased for abandoning them.

生气—— 一旦情感开始理解损失的性质,记忆和过去的感受就浮现出来。这使悲痛的人感到脆弱或被出卖。人们常常通过生气发泄情绪。人们向神,向他们所爱的人发怒,甚至对已故的人离开他们生气。

2)Bargaining – A grieving person may become desperate and try to barter with God, attempting to strike a deal with him. During this time, a grieving person may think about all the things that could have been done differently and how ideal life would be without this painful situation. This is the middle of the disorientation phase of grieving.

讨价还价—— 悲痛的人可能变得绝望,试图与神讲条件,想和神达成协议。在此期间,悲痛的人会想如果没有这个痛苦的局面,所有事情本可以做得大不相同,生活将很理想。这是悲痛中失去定位的中期阶段。

3)Depression – A bereaved person may blame him or herself for the loss. They feel disoriented and unsure of how to move on with life. It is during this period that depression may develop. It may not seem possible, but the Bargaining and Depression Stages are the beginning of the reorientation process as the grieving person is striving to make sense of the loss.

抑郁—— 一个丧失亲人的人可能为失去亲人而谴责自己。他们感到失去方向,不明确生活怎样继续。就是在这个期间可能形成抑郁。和神谈条件和抑郁阶段是再定位过程的开始,虽然看似不可能。因为悲痛者正努力弄明白损失的意义。

4)Acceptance – As an individual reorganizes life, redefines roles, and reevaluates purpose, s/he begins to reconnect with others again. This is part of the reorientation phase in the grieving process.

接纳—— 当一个人重新安排生活,重新定义角色,重新评价目标的时候,他/她开始重新和别人联系。这是在悲痛过程中再定位阶段的一部分。

(Kubler-Ross & Kessler, 2005)

Counseling Advice … 4 心理辅导建议… 4

It is important to note that, while these stages are important to identify, the grieving process is not just a flow-chart or outline in which a person neatly moves from one space to the next. More than one of these steps may be experienced simultaneously. People also travel back and forth, from one to the next, before moving forward. Grief is not a system of steps to be made as much as it is a process that a person experiences. It is essential for a counselor to understand the grieving process in in this way; otherwise, a counselor’s impatience with a client’s progress may cause more harm than help.

关键是注意到虽然确定这些阶段很重要,但人悲痛的过程不是刚好清楚地一步一步按照流程图或套路去发展。人可能同时在经历几个步骤。人们也会在前进之前辗转迂回。悲痛的过程是人经历的过程而不是人制作的一系列步骤。对于心理辅导员来说,理解悲痛是怎样的过程极其重要;否则,辅导员对辅导对象的进展没有耐心时可能造成更多伤害而不是帮助。

Which of the Stages of Grief make most sense to you? Which ones don’t?

你更理解悲痛的哪个阶段?不理解哪个?

Steps to Follow … 5 遵循步骤… 5

1)You’re Not Crazy! It is important for a counselor to remind a client that grief is a natural part of life. It is the expected reaction to loss and pain. There is no need to feel guilty or ashamed of grief.

你没有疯!对于心理辅导员来说,重要的是提醒辅导对象悲痛乃是生命的一个自然部分。悲痛是对损失和痛苦的预期的反应。人没必要感到愧疚或对悲痛感到羞耻。

2)Admit it! Grief Hurts! Help your client to understand that the pain grief causes will eventually subside. In fact, the sooner a person admits and even embraces the pain, the sooner the process of healing begins. Avoiding grief only prolongs grief!

承认它!悲痛令人受伤! 帮助你的辅导对象明白悲伤造成的痛苦最终将平息。事实上,一个人越快承认甚至接受痛苦,医治的过程就越早开始。逃避悲痛只会延长悲痛。

3)Help to Heal! Healing comes by absorbing the loss and pain into life and admitting the hurt, not minimizing it. A counselor’s task is to help a grieving person to not focus on what could have happened, but to learn to accept what did happen and not feel guilty or angry any longer on account of it. 1

帮助医治! 医治的过程伴随着接纳生命中的损失和痛苦,并承认受伤,而不是使之最小化。心理辅导员的任务是帮助悲痛的人不要专注于也许可能发生的事,而是学会接受已经发生的事,不要再为此感到愧疚或生气。

Light on the Path … 6 路上的光… 6

Empathy is the ability to identify with someone’s feelings and grief without actually experiencing the trauma or crisis event. For example, we can empathize with a cancer patient in that we understand the nature of the disease, we understand what it means to be sick, and we may even know others who have dealt with similar struggle. We cannot understand how cancer feels, the effects treatment may have on us, or the emotional and spiritual fears. (Broderick & Blewitt, 2006)

感同身受是一种没有实际经历创伤或危机就能感受别人的悲痛的能力。比如,我们能同情一位癌症病人的痛苦,因为我们知道疾病的性质,我们了解疾病意味着什么,我们甚至了解其他与病魔做类似斗争的人。但我们不知道患癌症的感觉,不知道治疗带来的影响,或经历情绪或灵里的惧怕。

Sympathy is to have a sym-pathos or identical pain or struggle. This is the ability to enter into, understand, and share someone’s feelings because both people have shared the same experience first-hand. Sympathetic people have the ability to think or feel the same as the grief-stricken individual with whom they are interacting. Again, the example: a recovering cancer patient can truly sympathize with one who is just experiencing the terrible nature of the disease. (2006)

同情是指有同样的悲伤或同样的痛苦或挣扎。这是因为人们有相同的一手经历,所以能深入,理解和分享别人的感情。富有同情心的人有能力与极度悲伤的人有同样的想法和感受,并对他们产生影响。再举个例子:一个正在恢复的癌症病人能真正地同情正在经历疾病之苦的人。

Grief is an emotion that allows us the ability to be both empathic and sympathetic towards others. All people experience grief. Many people have experienced the same kinds of trauma or crisis which serve as the onset to grief: death of a loved one, unemployment, divorce, or other loss. As a caring individual your first responsibility is to identify which role you can assume is that of empathetic listener.

悲痛是一种情感,使我们有能力对他人产生移情和同情。所有的人都经历悲痛。很多人经历过引发悲痛的同种类型的创伤和危机,:所爱的人的死亡,失业,离婚,或其他损失。作为一个有同情心的人,你的第一责任是确定你能担任一个感同身受的倾听者的角色。

An empathetic listener does just that; listens. Empathy does not require you to solve problems or provide answers as much as listening and responding. Oftentimes, the Feel, Felt, Found method suits the empathetic listener well: “I can understand how you must feel that way. Lots of other have felt that way, too. In fact, I have. But what I’ve found is … “. Providing a tangible experience from your life where your faith in Christ made a difference in your situation accomplishes two things:

一个感同身受的倾听者要做的只是听。感同身受要求你倾听和反应而不是解决问题或提供答案。感觉,感受到,发现方法的步骤经常适用于一个感同身受的倾听者:我能理解你为什么一定那样感受。很多人也有那样的感受,实际上,我也有。但我发现。。。” 提供一个你生活中的实际经历说明你因着基督的信心改变自己的状况,这样可以完成两件事:

a)it establishes your credibility as one who is compassionate;

为你建立起富有同情心的信誉。

b)it serves as a bridge of trust between you and the grieving person.

在你和悲痛者之间加起信任的桥梁。

We remember that only Jesus can truly sympathize with us as our Immanuel (Heb. 4:15). The role of counselor is to lead people to “see” Jesus.

我们记住只有耶稣才能真正体恤我们的软弱,成为我们的以马内利(希伯来书4:15)心理辅导员的角色是带领人“看见”耶稣。

Read 1 Thessalonians 4:1-14 ~ “Brothers and sisters, we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death, so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope. For we believe that Jesus died and rose again, and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him.”

读帖撒罗尼迦前书4:13-14“论 到 睡 了 的 人 , 我 们 不 愿 意 弟 兄 们 不 知 道 , 恐 怕 你 们 忧 伤 , 像 那 些 没 有 指 望 的 人 一 样 。 14我 们 若 信 耶 稣 死 而 复 活 了 , 那 已 经 在 耶 稣 里 睡 了 的 人 , 神 也 必 将 他 与 耶 稣 一 同 带 来 。”

According to St. Paul’s words, how do we know that grief is a natural part of life?

根据使徒保罗的话,我们怎么知道悲痛是生命本生的一部分?

What ultimate assurance did Paul offer to his fellow believers in their time of sorrow?

保罗给悲伤时的信徒最终的保证是什么?

As a counselor, how could you use these words to comfort a grieving person who does not know Jesus?

作为一个心理辅导员,你怎样使用这些话来安慰一个不认识耶稣的悲痛的人?

Some Mindful Questions … 7 思考题… 7

1)What kind of loss are you experiencing?

你在经历哪种损失?

2)What emotions do you currently feel most often?

你最近最常有的情绪是什么?

3)What is your biggest fear as you look to the future?

当你展望未来时,你最大的害怕是什么?

4)At what time of day do you feel good about yourself?

一天中什么时候自我感觉最好?

5)When do you feel at your worst?

什么时候你感觉最糟?

6)Do you think you will ever be happy again? What might it take to be happy again?

你认为你还会高兴起来吗?要怎样才能再高兴起来?

Now, It’s Your Turn … 8 实例练习… 8

David was so angry at his parents. His father, who is stationed in a branch of the military, was asked to move and relocated to another part of the country. David had just made new friends and was familiar with his new school. After one year, he and his family were moving again. David didn’t want to leave. He didn’t want to have to start over with new friends in a new town. He blamed his father for his ruining his life again.

大卫对他的父母很生气。他的父亲在军队的分队驻军,被要求迁移到他们国家的另一个地方生活。大卫刚刚交了新朋友并熟悉新的学校。一年后,他和他的家人再次搬家。大卫不想离开。他不想在新镇子重新认识新朋友。他责怪爸爸又破坏他的生活。

Ann cannot seem to visit the cemetery. Her husband recently passed away and his death has left Ann feeling empty and alone. As much as she misses her husband she can’t bear to go back to visit his graveside. She has even changed her driving route so that she avoids going near that part of town. This makes Ann feel extremely guilty and ashamed of herself.

安似乎无法去墓地。她的丈夫最近去世,他的离去使安感到空虚和孤独。她思念丈夫之深以致她无法回到丈夫的坟墓旁。她甚至改变她的行驶路线,为了避免接近那个区域。这使安感到极其内疚和羞愧。

1)What would you say to David to help him with his anger at the moment?

你会对大卫说什么来帮助他解决此时的愤怒?

2)What advice would you give David to not feel so hopeless and abandoned?

你会给大卫什么建议使他不感到绝望和被抛弃?

3)Would asking Ann to share some of her favorite memories about her husband help her? Why or why not?

要求安分享她最喜欢的关于丈夫的记忆对她有帮助吗?为什么?

4)Would it be important to know where Ann was when her husband died? Why or why not?

了解安在丈夫去世时人在什么地方很重要吗?为什么?

5)A counselor could ask either David or Ann this question: “Does this current grief remind you of another loss you may have experienced in the past?” Why would that be a helpful question to ask?

心理辅导员可以问大卫或安这样的问题:“目前的悲痛让你想起你过去可能经历过的另一个损失吗?” 为什么这是一个有帮助的问题?

References:

Broderick, Patricia C., Blewitt, Pamela. (2006) The Life Span: Human Development for Helping Professionals 2nd Ed. Upper Saddle River, NJ: Pearson Education, Inc.

Kuber-Ross, Elisabeth. Kessler, David. (2005) On Grief & Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss. New York, NY: Scribner Publishing.

Christian-Counseling-Part 1
基督徒心理辅导 大纲
Christian Counseling Catalog
第一课 上瘾
lesson 1 Addictions
第二课 抑郁症
lesson 2 Depression
第三课 焦虑
lesson 3 Anxiety
第四课 妒忌和羡慕
lesson 4 Jealousy and Envy
第五课 生气的解决方案
lesson 5 Anger Resolution
第六课 愧疚和羞耻
lesson 6 Guilt and Shame
第七课 悲痛和损失
lesson 7 Grief and Loss
第八课 自尊
lesson 8 Self Esteem
第七课 悲痛和损失
lesson 7 Grief and Loss